Remember that feedback is aimed to shape us to the system we are in…so take it with a grain of salt

Shaping us to the system

One thought I’ve been having recently is regarding feedback. We often receive a lot of it, from many different sources and directions. However, it is also often inconsistent, and the key is to find the consistent patterns within it, while taking some and leaving some (ideally, taking that which anchors on the consistent patterns).

Moreover, I think that there is an important recognition to be made that feedback is meant to shape us to the system that we are currently in, without necessarily helping us to become the way that we want to actually become (i.e., that depends on the answer to how we actually want to be shaped, and whether that is aligned with the current system that we are in — is the direction that the system is shaping us actually how we want to be shaped? )

For example, we may be working at a particular company that has certain values, culture, and vision – the feedback that we will receive will be geared toward making us more aligned and fit in more with that company’s values, culture, and vision. If we were to switch companies, the feedback that we would now receive would be far more tailored to now getting us to become more like the culture, values, and vision of the company that we have joined. In a sense, although the feedback we would now receive would have some similarities, there would be many differences – and simply because we would have switched companies, not because we would have become a fundamentally different person.

I’ve also noticed the same pattern when I work with different people — with one person, I’ll receive one point of feedback, and sometimes with another person, I may receive the exact opposite. Again, not because I’m different (because I haven’t changed that much in the span of a few weeks or a month), but because different people have different perspectives, and in working with us, the feedback is coming from their perspective, and people inevitably give feedback from their own perspective (which is aligned with who they have become), and in this way, subtly try to shape us to become more like them, so they give feedback aligned with that. However, this often leads to inconsistencies.

All this comes to say that although we should listen to the feedback that we are receiving (especially the patterns, because that is what is actually consistent over time and may be worth considering), we should nonetheless take it with a grain of salt. In the end, when we work for a company or person,  we are part of their system, we are part of their system, and the feedback that we receive will be aimed to try to shape us to operate smoothly within the context of this system. The managers of every system want it to run smoothly, so they will try to shape the elements of the system accordingly — and employees are part of this system. As Ray Dalio recently said in a post about his philosophy of providing constant feedback: “Remember that you are responsible for achieving your goals, and you want your machine to function as intended. For it to do so, the employees you supervise must meet expectations, and only you can help them understand whether they are stacking up.” So, indeed — feedback is meant to shape us to a system.

What this means for me

What does this mean for me? I listen to and recognize the feedback that others give to me, but I always try to remember that it is coming from their point of view, and although I do try to implement the actionable and relevant feedback that I agree with, I also do not always fully trust certain points until I’ve heard a particular point come up more than once. If it has only come up 1-2 times, then it may be due to idiosyncrasies of a person’s perspective, rather than a true pattern.

However, beyond this, I also ask myself if the system that I am currently in is actually what I want to be shaped to – and I have consistently come to the answer that I want to create my own system, rather than remain in the system that someone else has created. I would rather be the creator of something, than a “system element” for someone else.

And when we run our own system, or company, to say it more clearly, we certainly cannot do without feedback. Rather, we will consistently have many points of feedback, and we may even seek out more feedback because it is critical to growing the business successfully. However, if this is our system, our company, then we know that the feedback is fully aligned with what we are trying to accomplish – build a product or service that others want. All the market and customer feedback on our product/service, as well as the feedback on our own management and work style, is highly valuable, and will help build our own company into the best it can be, while also shaping ourselves and our management style around that as well.

So, it is worth remembering that although consistent feedback is valuable, we need to remain cognizant of the fact that most feedback is aimed to shape us to a system, and we have to constantly ask ourselves, “is this actually how I want to be shaped?” And if not, maybe it is worth stepping out of that system…maybe to find another with which we are more aligned, or to create our own.